i wish my penis had a tongue
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
