cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
