you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
