Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
