i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
