I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
