Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
