I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
