halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
last night I used snow as a chaser
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
