I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i drank out of a bidet.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
