Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
