if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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