Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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