there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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