So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
