My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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