saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
