just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
