so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
