I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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