stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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