goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
this will be a night to untag.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
