This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
