My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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