I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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