My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
