my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
