i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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