I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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