she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
