why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
