i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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