I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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