You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
