I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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