Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
