Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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