Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
