M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
