just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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