I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
