Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize
