My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
