Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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