I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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