Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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