So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
