thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
