I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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