No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
