Someone shit on the floor
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
