I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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