Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
