dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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