I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
