I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
